don't be so hard on yourself

it's humiliation, and thanks for your admiration. I'm hung up on how it feels to be a ceramic, and now you know. It feels like when I wake up I couldn't be anywhere else but here, and all I want to be is somewhere else. Sometimes, maybe, sleep can cure it. But not for the past few days, I'm just stuck in this place, stuck in this time and this feeling. Chain smoking and whatever. I think I'm growing mold, or maybe I'm getting fat. I could pretend to be dead.

My iching reading today gave me chills. I got 16-Enthusiasm. The reading is as follows:

The Image
Thunder comes resounding out of the earth:
The image of enthusiasm.
Thus the ancient kings made music
In order to honor merit,
And offered it with splendor
To the Supreme Deity,
Inviting their ancestors to be present.

The Lines
Six in the Fifth places means:
Persistently ill, and still does not die.

That's about where I went, what the fuck? It continues...
Here enthusiasm is obstructed. A man is under constant pressure, which prevents him from breathing freely. However, this pressure has its advantage-it prevents him from consuming his powers in empty enthusiasm. Thus constant pressure can actually serve to keep one alive.

well, hmm. I don't know what the fuck it means, but I know that just throwing some stupid pennies can make you think about a lot of shit.