DROP

I just want to sleep. I didn't go to class this afternoon and I slept for most of the day, but I'm still tired and I still feel awful. Everything is so terrible, it makes me sick to my stomach. I haven't eaten anything substantial in 2 days; some chips here and there, I had half a croissant this morning and about 200 cups of coffee. I've smoked well over 2 packs of cigarettes, so now I'm out and I'm going nuts. Maybe I'm dying. Maybe these are just the first stages of death.

Denial and isolation: "This is not happening to me."
Anger: "How dare God do this to me."
Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my son graduate."
Depression: "I can't bear to face going through this, putting my family through this."
Acceptance: "I'm ready, I don't want to struggle anymore."

I'm not in a very good place right now. I know you don't care either, I mean he knew my dad was sick, how did he know? Whatever I don't think I really care I'm just trying to pick fights. But theres no compassion, no warmth. I'm just talking out of my ass here, but you probably could care less. You assume it's for attention or that I'm confused or not smart enough to understand. Well, when you don't have any money to eat with, and you run out of cigarettes, drugs, and booze...Shit yeah I'm confused and stupid and attention hungry, no one gives me anything. I am completely cut off from the rest of the world. I avoid everyone I know. I think I'm going to throw up. I feel like this will never go away, that I will be stuck in this filth forever. Why won't something just happen already. I'm in a constant state of departure. I think my bones are falling apart, along with the rest of my body. It's like The Metamorphosis, I'll just hide under the couch with a sheet, with a rotten apple stuck in my back and everytime my sister comes in I'll hide and I'll never speak to my mother or father and eventually I will just die. I guess that's kind of how it is anyhow. No one wants to be around me. No one can do me any favors. I tried to register to vote today and they gave me a whole instruction sheet in spanish. I felt like crying for no particular reason. I lit a cigarette and I thought it was going to crumble in my hand, but it stayed lit until the end. I'm so unhappy.